The XFL Is Back (Almost) And We Have Some Suggestions

The XFL is back. Sort of. Almost.

The XFL is back in the news. Let’s just go with that.

Nearly two decades after the league folded the first time, Vince McMahon’s passion project of sorts is set to hit the restart button in 2020 with an eight-team league that figures to look much different than its predecessor—with an emphasis on employing high-character guys and—very likely—aiming to passive aggressively vilify the NFL when given the opportunity.

On Wednesday, the league revealed the host cities for each of its franchises with a slick little video:

Among the noteworthy takeaways is the XFL’s doubling down on Texas and a return of the sport to the city of St. Louis.

No team nicknames have been selected and, obviously, no actual team’s have been built just yet, but we have some suggestions.

Dallas

Franchise Player: Tony Romo. Pay the former Cowboy whatever he wants to be the player-coach, sell a billion jerseys and a million tickets. Done, done and done.

Nickname: Sheriffs. It’s a law-abiding league, after all, and that’ll make redecorating the current home of the Rangers much simpler.

Houston

Franchise Player: Greg Ward. The former University of Houston great will sell some tickets and can be used at virtually any offensive skill spot. 

Nickname: Moonwalkers. It keeps in line with the city’s requisite usage of space-related terms and provides players with a ready-made end zone dance.

Los Angeles

Franchise Player: LeBron James. Did you guys know he used to play football? People forget that.

Nickname: Traffic. That way, the team name—Los Angeles Traffic—psychologically defeats opponents before the game ever begins.

New York

Franchise Player: Mark Sanchez. Butt fumbles sell. It’s just facts.

Nickname: Jersey Boys. At least then, having a “New York” franchise playing in New Jersey makes some sense.

Seattle

Franchise Player: Jake Locker. There’s no joke, here. It’s time to revive the failed first round pick’s playoff career in the only city that ever loved him.

Nickname: Sonics. There, I just saved them. You’re welcome.

St. Louis

Franchise Player: Nelly. Have you seen The Longest Yard? Nelly can ball. Who better to bring the sport back to St. Louis?

Nickname: Lunatics. I don’t know, just keep it going.

Tampa Bay

Franchise Player: Quinton Flowers. Back to not joking. Flowers is the most recently relevant Tampa football star. He was last seen lining up at running back for the Bengals during the preseason, but I’d propose a move back to quarterback in his return to Tampa.

Nickname: Smoke. As it turns out, Tampa Bay is known as “The Cigar Capital of the World.” Shoutout to Google.

Washington, DC

Franchise Player: Tim Tebow. Let’s jumpstart Tim’s inevitable run for political office by planting him in the backfield of our nation’s capital. If anyone can eliminate partisanship, it’s this guy.

Nickname: Department of Defense. Boom.

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