Mike Leach Explains How To Do Halloween In 5 Easy Steps

Mike Leach is an American treasure.

During this week’s press conference, the head coach of eighth-ranked Washington State explained, in five easy steps, how to do Halloween.

Sit up straight and pay attention.

1. Don’t waste your money on stripper costumes. 

This one is practically indisputable. A stripper’s vocation, quite literally, requires that they remove articles of clothing. A stripper costume? That, my friends, is nothing short of paradoxical—and, thus, should not be a real thing.

2. Mobility is key. 

Great advice. There’s nothing worse than wearing a costume that doesn’t allow you to get jiggy wit it at your friendly neighborhood Halloween party.

3. Make sure your costume is warm enough. 

Mike’s reasoning for this is simple: If you get cold, you’ll have to cut the trick-or-treating short. In order to maximize the opportunity for obtaining hundreds upon thousands of Mr. Goodbars, you have to make sure you maintain feeling in your extremities.

4. Immediately hide your candy. 

This is pretty self-explanatory, no? It was your “trick or treat” that charmed the pants off of the keeper of the candy. Why, then, would you put your stockpile of sweets in harm’s way?

5. Separate the good stuff from the regular stuff.

At the very least, hide the Reese’s pumpkins in a super secret location. The peanut butter-to-chocolate ratio is off the charts and the candy bandits won’t hesitate to rob you blind.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

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