This week UNLV shook the core of college football with their announcement that, in order to get more butts in their stadiums seats, they will be offering free food with the purchase of certain tickets. 

It ends up being about $20 per game (you have to go to three games) for the ticket and the free food.

It’s a good deal. UNLV football is pretty irrelevant on a national level. For that matter, they’re pretty irrelevant on a regional and local level, so enticing people with food is never a bad idea. 

I was able to get my hands on the internal memo that was sent out to UNLV employees disgruntled at throwing money down the drain in an effort to create some buzz around the football program. 

Luckily, the higher-ups at the school have a few tricks up their sleeve to make sure they don’t go broke.

Jumbo Hot Dogs

This is how they really get you. 

You go into a sporting event on Dollar Dog Night, knowing you can get cheap or free hot dogs and you think you are going to clean them out by eating ~10 dogs. 

This never happens because the team is much smarter than you. 

They start you off with one jumbo hot dog from the sketchiest possible hot dog manufacturer. It’s already too big, but you finish it anyway because you’re a glutton and, of course, the food is what you’re there for. 

The hot dog makes you sick because of the unfavorable meats it was made with and then you’re done eating for the rest of the game. 

These people are professionals. 

They give you too much hot dog, made from gross meat knowing you’ll only eat one. They’ll also make it a hassle to put condiments on your dog. You’re going to have to hold the dog in one hand while trying to push down on the ketchup pump with the other. You end up with a big splotch of ketchup at the beginning and then a very thin streak down the rest of it.

Soups

Smartly, UNLV is offering a wide array of different soups for you to appreciate: lobster bisque, matzo ball, cream of asparagus, you name it. 

The trick, here, is that while they advertise all these soups, they actually will have none on hand. They’re banking on the fact that you will pass by the soup stand on a hot September afternoon and think, “Why the hell would I eat soup at a football game?”

Got ‘em again.

Extras

You’d like to believe you can go into the stadium without any money because the ticket covers everything, but UNLV is one step ahead of you. The food may be free, but it’s going to cost you to use the bathroom. Need to ask the usher a question? That’ll be $5, please. That Pepsi might be free, but the cup’s going to cost you.

So shrewd you have to respect it.

Seating 

Here’s the main problem: They’ve actually taken out all the seats in the stadium. 

What you have to do when you arrive at the field is go to the nearest “rent-a-seat” location and pay them to get a plastic seat. In a perfect world, they’d let you stand where your seat number is, but then you’d have to bribe the ushers not to throw you out, so you’d end up paying the same amount. 

You can choose between three different seat options: Luxury, Luxury Plus and Luxury Plus Plus. 

The Luxury package gets you a normal seat but the words “luxury” are carved into it.

Luxury Plus gets you the seat plus a jumbo hot dog (the bun is not included).

Luxury Plus Plus gets you the seat plus a jumbo hot dog and the bun.

Great deal.

At the end of the day, UNLV is coming out way on top and you’re left wondering why you ever agreed to take your niece to watch UNLV lose to an FCS school.