NFL mock drafts aren’t hard to find. Some guys on some sites update them like every eight minutes and are somehow absolved from their awful takes of three months ago by just dropping version 17.0 on us.

But, with just two weeks standing between us and Roger Goodell being booed mercilessly by Cowboys fans in Dallas, it’s time to get real.

In this mock draft, we see who the New England Patriots will not draft, who will take the Heisman winners, how far Sam Darnold will slide, how much folks dislike Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles, and how owner Jerry Jones will disappoint Cowboys fans this time.

1. Cleveland Browns

Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma. The Browns are trash at quarterback. They know it. We know it. But it’s cool, Cleveland. Your savior is here. (Editor’s Note: Sorry, Baker.)

2. New York Giants

Saquon Barkley, RB, Penn State. He’s the next Le’Veon Bell. Have fun with that franchise tag in the years to come too, Saquon.

3. New York Jets (from Indianapolis)

Josh Rosen, QB, UCLA. Josh Rosen is an excellent quarterback who also personifies all the things people hate about millennials.

Passing: __
Mechanics: __
Durability: __
Intangibles: __#NFLDraft preview: QB Josh Rosen → https://t.co/QhSYNtq6GH pic.twitter.com/NWzBwjgBRv

— New York Jets (@nyjets) April 10, 2018

4. Cleveland Browns (from Houston)

Minkah Fitzpatrick, DB, Alabama. Fitzpatrick is not only the best defensive back in the draft, but he can also play every position in the secondary. Don’t be stupid, Cleveland.

5. Denver Broncos

Josh Allen, QB, Wyoming. Because they’ll be pissed Cleveland stole Mayfield like a thief in the night and think this is the next best thing.

6. Indianapolis Colts (from New York Jets)

Quenton Nelson, G, Notre Dame. Because they’ve spent too much money on sketchy European remedies to rebuild Andrew Luck into a more robust Mark Brunell. Now it’s time to protect More Robust Mark Brunell.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Bradley Chubb, DE, North Carolina State. Because who wouldn’t want to watch Gerald McCoy and Chubb eat?

Informal survey of current and former NFL scouts and Front Office types:

"All things being equal, who is the best player in this draft?"

Bradley Chubb was overwhelmingly the favorite. Got over 75% of the votes.

Quenton Nelson with second most votes.

— Benjamin Allbright (@AllbrightNFL) April 11, 2018

8. Chicago Bears

Calvin Ridley, WR, Alabama. The Bears wideouts couldn’t catch a cold last year.

9. San Francisco 49ers

Roquan Smith, LB, Georgia. He’s the best linebacker in the draft and the Niners hate Oakland.

10. Oakland Raiders

Tremaine Edmunds, LB, Virginia Tech. Because he’s the second-best linebacker in the draft, and Oakland didn’t trade up to get Roquan.

11. Miami Dolphins

Sam Darnold, QB, USC. He’s about as good and reliable as Jay Culter was. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

12. Buffalo Bills

Mike McGlinchey, OT, Notre Dame. The Bills offensive line has more “Holes” than the movie.

Derwin James is special. He can do everything you need a safety to do on the field in today’s game. He has the same body language of another safety I scouted a long time ago who I hold in THE highest regard. #FSU #NFLDraft

— Louis Riddick (@LRiddickESPN) April 3, 2018

13. Washington Redskins

Derwin James, DB, Florida State. He’s Minkah Fitzpatrick light.

14. Green Bay Packers

Josh Jackson, CB, Iowa. Jackson will start right away. Green Bay’s secondary is that bad.

15. Arizona Cardinals

Mason Rudolph, Oklahoma State, QB. This is a panic button pick—pure and simple.

16. Baltimore Ravens

Denzel Ward, CB, Ohio State. He’s a plug-and-play player in Ravens coach John Harbaugh’s defense, and he could be the best Baltimore defender since Omar Little.

17. Los Angeles Chargers

Da’Ron Payne, DT, Alabama. Mostly because I want to see Payne, Ndamukong Suh, and Aaron Donald greet Mason Rudolph simultaneously.

18. Seattle Seahawks

Marcus Davenport, DE, UTSA. Well, they traded star defensive end Michael Bennett to a team that won the Super Bowl. Like you do.

Why @JJT_Journalist says Courtland Sutton might be the best fit for the Cowboys in the NFL draft.#CowboysNation https://t.co/ldQpa8JLCT

— SportsDay Cowboys (@dmn_cowboys) April 3, 2018

19. Dallas Cowboys

Courtland Sutton, WR, SMU. The Cowboys draft regionally and, sometimes, I hate it.

20. Detroit Lions

Derrius Guice, RB, LSU. He’s stronger than Nick Chubb and faster than Sony Michel. Georgia fans, fight me.

21. Cincinnati Bengals (from Buffalo)

Leighton Vander Esch, LB, Boise State. The Bengals love a combine star and a guy whose name we can’t pronounce.

22. Buffalo Bills

Connor Williams, T, Texas. Because putting dead bodies on the offensive line is frowned upon.

23. New England Patriots (from Los Angeles Rams)

Traded it. Belichick trades everything. Just ask Brandin Cooks.

Who will be the first WR taken in the 2018 NFL Draft?

Calvin Ridley -220
DJ Moore +160
Courtland Sutton +400
James Washington +1000
Christian Kirk +1200
Any other WR +1100

Odds via BetOnline pic.twitter.com/Toz73dhA65

— OddsShark (@OddsShark) April 10, 2018

24. Carolina Panthers

Christian Kirk, WR, Texas A&M. What’s better than one Christian McCaffrey type of player? Two Christian McCaffreys!

25. Tennessee Titans

Harold Landry, DE, Boston College. Mike Vrabel needs a pass rusher, and J.J. Watt ain’t cheap. Neither is Jadeveon Clowney. Come to think of it, you sure you want this job, Vrabel?

26. Atlanta Falcons

Isaiah Wynn, G, Georgia. Keep Matty off ice. See what I did there?

27. New Orleans Saints

Arden Key, DE/OLB, LSU. The Saints need sacks and New Orleans ain’t exactly the place we go to pack our groceries, ya dig?

28. Pittsburgh Steelers

Rashaan Evans, LB, Alabama. He’s a natural Ryan Shazier replacement.

Soo... *this* Heisman Trophy winner also threw for 3,660 yards with the third-highest QBR in the country last year, but he's an afterthought? Got it.

Everyone else can sleep on @Lj_era8. We're wide awake.

Here's why ? https://t.co/ODPSm0LdNG pic.twitter.com/1IOEm9aHK3

— FloFootball (@FloFootball) March 22, 2018

29. Jacksonville Jaguars

Lamar Jackson, QB, Louisville. Because nobody really likes Blake Bortles.

30. Minnesota Vikings

Billy Price, C, Ohio State. Give Cousins a new center to break in along with a new pillow to break in on his bed made of money.

31. New England Patriots

You know the drill. Another trade.

32. Philadelphia Eagles

Orlando Brown, T, Oklahoma. Lane Johnson on one side, Zeus on the other. Super Bowl champs. Again.

RJ Young is a former Oklahoma Sooners football and basketball beat writer, investigative journalist, essayist, novelist, and Ph.D student. His memoir "LET IT BANG" (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt) hits shelves and earbuds in October. His YouTube channel is fire if you're into storytelling and topics ranging from Baker Mayfield to The Rock's early wrestling career to this one time when a guy got a little too interested in RJ's "Black Panther" cup at a urinal inside of a movie theater.